Words and I

…to reach for Saturday, and go through Sunday dreading for the next weekdays!

What a life!

I asked my brother today if he is interested in starting a business. None of us is a business person. I guess I’m just desperate.

What does it take to love your job? I really envy those who get paid for their hobbies.

Well, life can’t be all sweet, can it?

…I guess it depends on how you see it….

Just a day before my birthday last week, a pickpocket on the train tore my bag up with a razor and took my cellphone away in a flash. I realized afterward that some passengers who stood SURROUNDING me were particularly talkative, lively, and warm, rather than being totally cold strangers the way normal passengers are.
Not that I am accusing them for conspiring. I think we should just be careful in every situation. And you might already know that pickpockets can come up with various tricks.
Anyway, I had to buy a new cellphone right away and I pretended that it’s my birthday present, ha ha ha! It’s cheaper than my old phone, but interestingly better. I am writing now on my new phone on the train! I have been complaining of not having enough time to write. God must be giving me a wink now!

I got to know him during my daily commuting on the train to work. It seems that a one hour travel on the train excites him. He seems to enjoy the moment. He would stand by the window and look outside. His hands would make some gestures and his mother would talk and nod and smile to him. He travels with his loving mother each day for a special school and therapy in Jakarta. He’s four years old and got a bright smile and curious eyes. He would look into your face when he knows you are talking to him. Yes, he’s deaf eversince he was born. I’ve met him a few times and it’s a bit of a shock the first time I knew his condition. I was complaining at the time, to God of course (unashamedly), about the scars I had after the chicken pox, because it would take long to make it disappear. Then I met Noval. ‘Silly girl, what were you just complaining about?’ I found myself scolding me. He will be living in quietness all his life, will never hear the Beatles, the drops of rain, the birds singing, the silly voice of SpongeBob, even his mother’s calming voice. How’s that for a life? Yet, he is happy. I know I should’ve never stopped counting my blessings. Even the chickenpox scars. Thank you, Noval! ^_^

Yup! These last few months I’ve been so washed out that I forget me sometimes. That me who dreams, imagines, creates, and just enjoys the presence. I unconsciously stop me for being me. Ha ha ha, confused?

I’ve been reading this enlightening book by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. It makes me realize that ego has had me captured for many a time and it takes some awareness to control it and become me, my true self. I’m sure if I can do it, I won’t feel so washed out anymore, at least not the way I feel about it now. It’s just a matter of thought-shifting, go beyond ego. Sounds so simple but not quite. The thing is, it’s all in your mind. Just like the feeling of me being washed out.

Really?!

I’m yet to finish reading the book to really grasp the whole concept. But all I can say now is that I’m only capable of doing my best and sometimes even that won’t always give the best results (thanks for the encouragement, Mike!). So I guess, washed out or not, take enough rest!   

I’ve just recovered from chicken pox which had stayed with me for three weeks. Gosh, what an experience! It’s supposed to attack you when you’re a kid and never attack twice. But that’s not the way it is now. I even had to go to the doctor twice because the first medicine wouldn’t do me any good. It’s all over my body and head and face, I felt like a grenade, lol, because when I bumped into something I might explode. Thank God it’s over now. Well, not quite. I still have to deal with the scars all over my face and body. Time will heal.

I’ve never imagined of being away from work for three whole weeks and I was. It’s the longest ‘holiday’ I’ve ever had since school’s holiday. Honestly. I feel awful to give my responsibilities to my colleagues but there’s nothing I could do. What I always have in mind is there’s a good thing out of bad. I’d been so tired, my body and mind, and I think God always knows I really need a holiday. A long one.

Life consists of choices. I wonder why can’t I choose to have my own holiday whenever I want? Surely I can choose it? Yes, along with its risk. It always goes back to that. And it always goes back to what I really really want in life.

Having my own job with my own office hour in any place I want to be. Without the chicken pox, of course.

I should stick to that.

I really should.

It’s already rained a lot where I live and work. Usually the rains pour immensely around December ’till early February. But it’s flooding already in some areas. The other day when I went to work, it had been rained only for 15 minutes, but it’s a heavy one, the street was already flooded, and a passerby couldn’t even passed the pavement. The water was high and… blackish. Yikes! The gutter was overflooded.

I watched from inside the taxi as the cars slowed down, motorcycles parked by the street as their riders crowding under big trees or shelters, waiting for the rains to stop. Soon they would have to move to higher ground as the water inched up. Thank God the rains stopped.

That is the annual sights in my country. In spite of the efforts (frankly, I have yet to see the real effort, though) to prevent the flood, I think it’s getting worse each year. The government still has some plans to build shopping centres and high rise buildings all over in the near future. What for? I wonder….

If we have a good drainage system, heavy rains won’t bring so many terrible problems. Rain is supposed to be a blessing from UP ABOVE, isn’t it? It cleans up the Earth, gives life to the living creatures. Can you imagine the Earth without water? It’s armageddon.

That reminds me of a novel I think so dearly of, The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Our world might end up like the one he describes in his tearful yet hopeful novel, in a way. One can imagine beyond this universe, imagination is unlimited. But actually it’s born from our reality. Seeing the world as it is today, could McCarthy be imagining how it will lead us to?

How do you imagine our Earth would be in the next 10 years, 50 years, or century? It’s in our hands right now to make the imagination a beautiful reality. What will you do?

It’s true that Indonesia is beautiful. People say so. But I really really hate being in a railway station in my country, and especially the one near my house as I have to go there almost each day to take a train.

Okay, I try to tolerate people who litter so conveniently there that the station is so very dirty, or the crowded stalls in already narrow passage between the railways which requires us, the passenger, to be extra careful when getting on and off the train, or the music blasting from those stalls that I really have to listen so hard to the head of the station who announce repeatedly about the arrival and departure of trains from a loudspeaker, or, okay, I still can tolerate (sigh…) people who spit anywhere in the station (I close my eyes and mouth!)

However, I really can’t tolerate people who smoke there, because I really can’t stand it. That’s why I often try to arrive at the station just IN TIME for me to catch up the train, so that I won’t have to linger a longer time there. That would be such a convenient thing to do if the train’s schedule is ON TIME. In most cases, trains here are often late.

It’s such a dilemma for me. I don’t want to spend longer time at the station, but in most cases I have to wait for the late trains. In other cases, I have the feelings that the train is a little bit late so I arrive there a bit late, but the train is on time this time, such a silly train, lol. 

Well, Indonesia is really dangerously beautiful.    

I’m such a sucker for waking up early when I have to go to work. I’d linger on the bed until it’s really the last moment I have to really get up, or often, when I’m late already! Gosh, I really need the motivation!

I’m not sure if I have it now as I still often arrive late at work. But I read about bad attitudes which will bring negative reaction to your mind and eventually will lead to your body. Those I remember because it’s really me (because I still have to find my motivation) are laziness, bored, and apathetic. Ha ha ha! I couldn’t help laughing (silently, of course). Surely, if I have to catch a train to go to, let’s say, a holiday resort somewhere far away, I’d wake up early with a smile. Lol, who doesn’t? Silly me.

Anyway, being able to drag myself at work each morning, it means, at least, I still have the motivation, whatever it is. The thing is, I still need a good motivation. A really really good one, for my own sake

Life is a miracle but often we take it for granted.

My puppy was missing the other day and bad thoughts started pouring into my mind. It makes me realize that even a life of a puppy which was used to be a part of our life, how short it may be, is so precious. Life is a gift from God; I have to repeat it over and over again so this realization sinks in.

My puppy is found finally. Another God’s precious gift. I will still have to repeat it over and over again.

:-)

What keeps us alive?

Hope.

It drives us to keep on living and it must be so terrible to lose it.

…don’t lose hope!

(For a friend who needs it the most)